Sunday, January 25, 2009

Hard times

And I'm not talking about the economy.

My Granny has been in and out of the hospital for almost a month. I dropped everything and drove to TX by myself to be with her. I watched her, sat with her, held her hand, painted her nails, fed her, turned her, helped change her, pleaded with nurses for her, argued with the doctor for her, demanded she be more comfortable, slept next to her in the chair bed, played Elvis and George Strait music for her, showed her pictures, sang to her. I did anything I could for her. She didn't always know who I was, but was comforted having someone there to keep her company. She was hurting and that was hard to see. Strokes can really take someone out.

I also saw and was heartbroken at how utterly alone someone can be at the end of their life and how incredibly sad that is. How incredibly heartwrenching to have family who will not sacrifice their time to hold a hand or just sit in the room with their sick relative for more than an hour a day.

I've mourned and been so angry. I'm numb, now. Anything can happen and I don't know that I will feel it.

I'm sorry. I know this is incredibly depressing, but that has been my life this month. Great way to start off the New Year, huh?

There is so much more I can write, but it is late and my mind is foggy.

I was in TX for about 10 days spending 20-26 hours with her at one time. I finally came back home in exhaustion. I can go back at any time. I'm waiting for the right time. It will be soon.

She is in Houston in ICU. She has pneumonia she may not recover from at this point. A machine is breathing for her, and she never wanted this.

In one of her lucid moments, she told me she was ready to go. So ready. The next morning she perked up and told Chris on my cell phone about the journey she had taken that week. She saw so many people and had strange dreams, but she got to come back. She was so glad she was alive and got to be with such wonderful people. I left the next day. She had another stroke a couple of days later. Ended back up in the ER and now in ICU. What an emotional roller coaster.

I keep feeling like I need to go back the last few days, but then something grabs my reins and says to stay here. I feel such peace and don't feel like I need to go, yet.

I know my husband loves me. He let me go. He let me go there, and told me every day I was there to take all the time I needed. All that stopped me was my body giving out. Not a nagging husband demanding me or whining at me to come home and take care of our home and children. He is so great. My kids are great, too. If they cried for me, they didn't show it or tell me about it which would crush me even more. They were strong and took care of themselves and our home while I had to be away. My dear mother-in-law dropped everything and stayed here for 5 days to keep them company and help India take care of the boys. She even did homeschooling with them.

I'm so grateful for them.

It is hard to watch someone you love suffer. So hard. I do not know how my other Granny nursed so many loved ones for months on end - her husband, my father, and her own sister last year. She is a rock.